How to Have a Difficult Conversation with Your Teen
“The longer you wait to have a conversation with your teen, the more behind the game you are,” said Mike Domirtz, founder of the Center for Respect.
I think he’s right. There is a loss of credibility when you try to avoid difficult questions.
When I started writing this article, I brainstormed a short list of what could be a difficult conversation between a teen and parent. That list included: death, a car accident, money, pregnancy, failing grades, college, and dating. Obviously, there are MANY more topics than these that are difficult to talk about, but these are definitely several to think about at the start of a new school year and beyond. As your children reach certain milestones - starting middle school, graduating high school, etc. - new discussions need to be had that match your teens’ ages and possible maturity levels.
I interviewed Mike for one of my Love to Learn online summits,and you might be wondering why a study skills tutor is talking about difficult conversations of many kinds - not all academic!
I have two main reasons for writing about difficult conversations.
1. Mental health involving relationships affects learning.
2. Your attitude about education impacts your teen’s love of learning.
If you want your teen to learn, difficult conversations HAVE to happen. What helps or hurts your teen’s love of learning (and even sometimes the ability and willingness to learn) starts at home.
By the time your child is a teen, you will have instilled in her some core values. You will have taught her what you believe is wrong and right. Be prepared for your teen to question your beliefs, and make sure to leave the door open for discussion. The concept of family vs individual values has come up in more than one interview I’ve conducted!
Don’t try to avoid the conversations.
If you don’t want to answer questions, your teen will go to someone else.
I can tell you that more than one of my and my sister’s friends asked my mama about sex. It was an awkward position for her to be in. Often she knew the other parents, but the teen would say something like, “She won’t answer my questions” or “I can’t go to her.”
Being a mama isn’t always easy, but wouldn’t you rather be the resource to your child than someone else? If you want your child to hear a particular fact in a specific light, you can’t stay silent…
Mike offered a couple of ways you could start a conversation with your teen or even ask questions of your own that aren’t accusatory and are more likely to keep the discussion going. The first is: “Are you hearing about these things at (school, work, sport)?” The second option is: “Why do you think they made those choices?”
As your teen ages, he will see and hear more than you might want him to. Even if he’s not participating, he may have friends who are. They’ll share their newly acquired knowledge.
You may want to keep your teen in a bubble, but your teen has access to SO much information. Mike shared some pretty scary statistics about middle schoolers when it came to dating and porn, so not only are difficult conversations important to have, it’s important to have them earlier than you may be comfortable doing.
Mel Studer, co-founder of Next Phase Parenting, says middle school is also the right time to talk to your child about college. It’s something she shared in our most recent interview at my Learn It! online summit, and she’s not the only one to mention middle school and college in the same sentence.
She noted, “It’s hard to listen to kids if it’s not the same decision you would have made.” Mel is thinking about kids who don’t want to go to college, but it can apply to anything.
If you think your teen is wrong, you may stop listening. Mel says straight up, “Kids respect us more when we listen.” Aren’t you the same way? Whether it’s your spouse, your boss, or your teen, you appreciate it when the other person actually listens to you.
College may be a definite yes for you right now. If it’s a no for your teen, and/or he has other plans for his future, Mel reminds you there’s always a chance your teen will change his mind… someday.
If there is something your teen fears in the future, it’s better to talk about it now. Having a conversation sooner rather than later can let you and your teen make a plan.
Keeping communication open is imperative to keeping your relationship with your teen strong. Parenting communication expert and founder of Conscious Parenting Revolution, Katherine Sellery, reminded me how saying, “‘Do it because I said so’” causes resentment,” during our interview at my Best Semester Ever online event.
Resentment kills conversation.
One of the reasons you might be short with your teen is because you are just plain tired. In today’s world it’s easy to become overwhelmed. When you feel this way, a difficult conversation is probably not the first thing on your “Want to do” list.
Katherine reminds mamas, “Take care of yourself. Otherwise, difficult conversations become even more difficult.”
Mental health related to relationships affects learning. If you and your teen have an argument before he leaves for school, it will distract him in his first class and maybe throughout the day.
There’s a good chance, it will bother you, too. His learning suffers and your work suffers.
Is it a repeat argument?
Is it something you need to sit down with your teen and find a resolution for?
Is it because your teen hasn’t done her homework or doesn’t want to go to school?
When I meet with a mama, I often learn about a teen who hates the teacher, or the school, or the subject. Mamas sometimes use the word “lazy.” When I meet with a teen and her mama, often I learn more.
Sometimes, the underlying problem about going to school is embarrassment. A teen may feel dumb because she just can’t keep up or doesn’t know what’s going on. Nobody wants to feel that way. It’s why study skills make such a difference. Study skills open the door to learning.
Teens procrastinate because they need help, not because they don’t care. It’s why conversations matter so much.
How do you feel about learning? The words you say to your teen are heard even when you don’t think so. Maybe you say something like, “Your grandpa didn’t graduate high school, but he did just fine.” That may be true, but does your teen have the same skills as Grandpa, and will your teen have the same opportunities?
Telling your teen he must do better in school is not a conversation. It’s a command. And if your teen understood your story about grandpa to mean graduating high school isn’t necessary for success, your teen might think you’re being a hypocrite.
Just like any other difficult conversation, be prepared to listen. Mel would remind you, “Your kid is not you.” What your kid wants may be very different than you want. Katherine would advise you to make sure your teen owns his own work, and that during the conversation you keep handing it back to your kid saying, “What do you want?”
If your teen doesn’t want to go to school, ask “What do you want?” Follow that up with, “If you want “x”, how is that going to happen?” Eventually, there will be a plan that starts to emerge. It may not be your plan, but that doesn’t make it bad.
Remember, learning is impacted by mental health, relationships, and attitudes.
Stop skipping out on difficult conversations. They’re important.
If you’re ready to talk about learning, I’m glad to help! I want the best future for all of us : ) Send me an email at Jessyka@acecookietutoring.com
Forever Learning,
Jessyka Coulter